My husband told me yesterday that I consider things deeply. Lately, I have felt very shallow. Like I am skimming over the surface of life. Numb, maybe. Emotionally flat for sure. Until this weekend.
I believe the tide began to roll for me this past Thursday. I felt so uncertain of the words I was speaking. I was feeling overwhelmed not being able to get my thoughts in order to express them clearly. I was caught up by a statement someone made about being tired of faking. It stuck with me.
Over the weekend, I attended a ladies retreat with a bunch of women I love dearly. I hadn't seen many of them for awhile and all asked how things were going for me. Of course, I responded with a smile and a head nod, "I'm well." Each time, I answered the question, I felt more fake. Well, sort of. I mean I am well. My health is good, my family is amazing, I was in the company of people I love, God is showing us great things, we are embarking on a new adventure. I had nothing to complain about and so many things to be thankful for. But still, there has been something nagging at my soul, rattling around in my thoughts, and it wasn't even something I could articulate.
I don't think of myself as a stuffer of feelings and emotions. I am usually pretty transparent and open. Apparently, though, there was junk lurking deep that has been causing all kinds of mess. Retreats allow focus and quiet and often open up deep places. This one brought some things to the surface that need to be dealt with. I thought I would share some of my revelation with you all in case you struggle with these things too.
One of the themes of the week seems to be faking. So, that's the first one I will tackle.
Our perception of people's expectations and ideas about us sometimes cause us to set a standard for ourselves. We are not intentionally deceitful. Many times, we don't want to bring others down. Most times, there isn't time to explain fully what is going on in our hearts and minds. Sometimes, we don't even know what is bothering us and so it's easier to say we are fine. And, all of the time, we are concerned about what others might think of us. If we verbalize our struggles, will people think we are whiny, off-balance, ungrateful, wimpy, incoherent, irrational, silly, vulnerable, bad?
What I have learned and needed to be reminded of is that there is immense value in sharing our stories and struggles. Confessing our weaknesses and insecurities to others relieves us of our burdens and frees us, allows people to speak truth to us when all we are hearing in our heads is lies, allows us to be known to others and opens up the opportunity for others to be known by us, causes people to pray for us, and, so many times, it shows the person we are sharing with that we share similar struggles.
Some stories are harder to share than others. We believe that abortion is so shame-full that we can't possibly share our story. Others will hate us, leave us, gossip about us, think we are horrible people. These are great lies used to isolate us, to hold us prisoner to our mess, to keep us from giving God any credit for our healing, to steal our joy, to keep others in their own hell thinking they are the only ones with this tragic story, and to perpetuate the huge lie that abortion doesn't affect most women emotionally.
The fact is that 1 in 3 American women under the age of 45 have had at least one abortion. There are surely men affected by each of those as well as family members and siblings. There are so many hurting people in our country and around the world and most are suffering silently, alone, too ashamed and fearful to reach out.
We are not alone in our pain and struggles. We need each other. Someone needs to hear your story to help them survive theirs.
You need to share your story to start the healing in your own heart. If you have never shared before, find someone you trust and open up to them. Chances are, they will take you into their arms and comfort you and love you.
If God has been working in your heart to heal you, share what He has done for you with someone who needs to hear it. Sharing His love and compassion and power always brings Him glory and gives hope to the ones with whom you share. You have been given a tremendous gift. Share it!
If you have never had an abortion and someone trusts you with their story, listen to them with compassion, love them and comfort them. It is a very hard story to tell and takes incredible courage to share.
We were created to be in relationship with others. This life is more rich and bearable when we do it together. If you have been faking your way through life, no matter the reason, get real! There are others who need to know the real you.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who loves you extravagantly and longs for you to be whole. He is the great redeemer and He has great plans for YOU!
Love,
Robin
November 9, 2014
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Robin, you are an amazing woman with an amazing heart! This is so well written, and although I have not had an abortion, I can relate with it in so many ways, especially at this point of my life.
ReplyDeleteI had a pretty tough upbringing, and I often used that to help me relate and help others who are going through similar issues.
Like you, I'm a pretty transparent person, and athough I don't just air out my laundry on FB, or unload all that's going on in our lives to a random stranger who said hi, I'm pretty honest with people when I'm asked beyond the polite question of "how are you?". These past few years however, there's been A LOT going on in my life that has flipped, twisted, turned, and shaken me to the core, causing me to be little less transparent, and a little less trusting... especially towards "the church" and Christians who, when I asked, begged, and pleaded for help seem to enjoy judging, hating, and closing the church doors more than helping and loving; I guess my problems were beyond what they emotionally were capable of handling, and it was just easier for them to do that. Or maybe because of my "job title" they figured I should be Spiritually and emotionally stronger and expected more of me; I don't know. What I do know is that "the church" was my second home, and now I'm left emotionally homeless, as the few who pretend to still care yell from the church windows, "God is still there and He cares, and loves you.".
I know the bible pretty well, and since becoming a Christian, have done my best to live it out beyond just words; I know all the "right" answers to give, and what scriptures I'm suppose to hold on to when times get tough, but the truth is, for various reasons, I feel let down by God, so the words of the bible have become just words that sound pretty on paper, but aren't strong enough to keep my head above the quick sands of life that are quickly pulling me under.
I don't know who I am anymore, but I do know that I am broken, alone, hurt, untrusting of people, and very fake to those around me; definitely anything BUT transparent. In fact, I've gotten pretty good at responding with, "I'm fine", while putting on a genuinely fake smile... I hate it.
I agree with all that you've said, but the reality of it is that few have the emotional support needed by the church, leaving many to figure out life and all it's problems, pains, and struggles by themselves; sadly, the words "I'm fine" are the only way those church doors will stay open for them so that they can continue being greeted by friendly handshakes, hugs, and as long as they don't know about their current struggles, pretend that the church cares.
The church walls may be keeping out the rain physically, but emotionally, someone needs to build an ark because there's a flood going on within those walls, and people are drowning fast.
I am so very sorry for your broken heart. It's such a tough place to be, seemingly alone in your pain. Even though we know that God says He will never leave us, there is this human need to have other humans be there with us in our struggles. God knew that we would need that and so He created community.
DeleteUnfortunately, the community here on earth isn't always what God had in mind. I believe that is a result of them being formed by imperfect people. Dave and I have been part of communities that are open and honest and real. We have experienced the joy and true fellowship with groups of people who genuinely share life with one another, the trials and the triumphs, the joys and the sorrows. We have also been part of communities that were more, how should I say it? Guarded. Closed. Picturesque, even. Groups of people who looked like they had everything together in beautiful buildings with lovely choirs. When I think back about those communities now, having experienced the best of fellowship, my heart breaks for those who worshiped together but suffered alone.
We all need each other and I wonder if God shakes His head sadly when he sees us alone, knowing that is not what he planned and that we, with the Holy Spirit, are capable of so much more.
I have been thinking all day what to say to you and as I pondered and listened, there are a few things that stood out to me:
First of all, I want to remind you that you are never alone. I have found that when I have most longed for intimacy and understanding from another person, God has reminded me that He is the only one who can give me what I am seeking. He has to be first.
Intimacy is directly affected by level of trust. You have obviously been hurt by others and are unsure about God's faithfulness to you. Learning to trust God again is a priority. Sometimes, I have found myself overwhelmed by what's wrong, which causes me to be blind to all that's right. In addition, we have an enemy who seeks to destroy our trust in God, our community, our faith and our very lives. Jesus fought his adversary by beginning His sentences with, "It is written...." I just heard someone talk about an 'It is Written Diary.' Perhaps a place to record His promises to you would help you. Back in the day, the Israelites built altars so that they would not forget the good things God had done for them. I think sometimes, we would do well to build a few altars.
We are all imperfect people loved by a perfect God. We build up expectations of each other that none of us is capable of meeting. None of us deserves His love yet He loves each of us with this unimaginable love. He wants us to love others as He loves us, extending grace and mercy to one another, allowing for each others' weaknesses and failures, sacrificing ourselves and pouring out our lives so that others can experience His love. Cont…..
This time in history is burdensome. There is so much suffering around the world and in our cities and towns. Financial difficulties weigh people down. Families are broken. People suffer addictions and depression. Illnesses attack so many. Jesus is no longer welcome in the public square. We seem to be moving more and more to a society without Christ. I can get really weighed down by it all. Some days, it feels so heavy that I can't even articulate what is bothering me. I just know I feel down. On those days, it is hard to get motivated to do the most basic of tasks, let alone reach out to others. I lose sight of my purpose and fall prey to the enemy's attempts to hold me down. Sometimes I get caught up in the drama of this life and lose sight of the goal and my purpose here. I know people who are so hurt by their past that they simply can't absorb any more pain themselves, let alone take on someone else's. This is where compassion for each other has to win out. I have to look at my neighbor on my hardest days and know that they are fighting the same battles, though their circumstances may be different. We all have to get real with each other. Comparison has to end. The fact that we need each other, that we are all in the same boat, fighting the same enemy and loved by the same amazing God needs to be realized. Only then, when hearts and arms are linked together are we a force to be reckoned with in the battle for the Kingdom.
DeleteOur sufferings here are nothing compared to the glory that is ahead. I heard it said this week that each day of suffering brings us one day closer to being face to face with Jesus. This life was not meant to be easy but eternity is so worth the fight.
Lastly, I want to leave you with hope that there are communities out there made up of people who stand together in life. They might not be able to solve each other's problems but they listen to one another, cry with one another, laugh together, suffer each other's burdens and pray for each other. They are real people who want to know each other deeply and want to be known. I pray that you find such a community where not only will you find the love you so desire but that you will also be able to love others the way they need to be loved.
Lastly, our God is Good even when this world hands us hard things. He loves us no more or less at our worst than He does at our best. He is always by us and for us even when we aren't sure we believe it. God created the Church and it is good in spite of us humans messing it up. You are highly valued and loved and needed in the Kingdom. Keep loving, keep seeking, keep sharing, keep your eyes open for the good things and don't lose sight of the goal!
Love,
Robin
AND, if I know you and have neglected you, I pray that you would make yourself known to me so that I can hug you, apologize and be a better friend.
ReplyDeleteI used to believe all that you said... In fact, I used to be the one encouraging others, and saying the same things as you. I would rearrange my schedule and bend over backwards when it came to helping/ disciplining those within the church. Meeting for coffee to tend to a crying church member, putting off shopping to make a house call to someone who's life is falling apart, or spending hours late into the night with someone who is being tempted with their old life of drugs/ alcohol and just needs some encouragement to stay strong. Why? Because I didn't want them to feel the same rejection I have felt over and over by 'the church'.
ReplyDeleteNow that I am the one drowning, who is there to lend a listening ear? Even God seems to be turning a deaf ear these days, making me question all that I once believed. I don't question God's existence, but I do question His love, yet at the same time, coming to grips with the fact that I have no right to question the maker... Whoever He chooses to favor and/ bless is His choice. Who am I to tell the maker of the game how to play the game? It's a hard reality to wrap my head around, but it stops me from getting my hopes up, only to be let down ounce again.
I find I've reached the point of cynicism when it comes to the church. Like highschool, the church is made of clicks, and if you really want to be visible, cared for, or even have your existence known, then you have to be part of the popular circle... The 'in' crowd. Otherwise, like the unpopular people in school, you are in the circle of rejects... Aka, the forgotten. I have yet to be to a church where this doesn't happen. The sad thing is, often the people with in the popular circle don't see it... Because they are within the circle where their needs/ wants are met...
The hard thing for me right now is not to cave when the advice I get from my non-christian friends is looking more and more like the good advice to take. Why? Because they've proven to be more 'godly' through their actions than the ones who show up at church every Sunday claiming to love God, but too busy to help their neighbor, or have a cup of coffee with a new church member.
It's sad to me when an atheist has been more of a friend to me than all who are within the church. What's sadder to me is that the atheist used to go to church... Wanna take a guess why he walked away from Christianity?.....
I'm sorry this response is not a smooth read. I just have too many thoughts/ emotions bumping around inside this head of mine when it comes to this topic, therefore, my words too fumble out of my finger tips a bit jumbled. lol
I don't know if I can help but I can listen. Please contact me privately if you would like to talk.
ReplyDelete