My heart is broken because yours is broken and hurting. As I think back on my journey through the past 23 years, I realize there have been so many stages of brokenness and healing. The mixture of fear, hope and longing at the very beginning. The realization of the reality of life, the fear of the unknown and the aloneness. The surrender to the decision. The fear. The denial. The feelings of judgement and shame. The sadness that comes with being convinced that a Holy God, or anyone else for that matter, could ever love me. Aloneness again.
Every stage was painful and all around me were reminders of what I had done. There were billboards, sign-holders, casual conversations about a very complicated subject, shaking heads and clicking tongues, commercials, bumper stickers, precious friends with strong convictions, my own memories and thoughts. Each instance created an awareness in me and a remembrance of my pain - sometimes at the surface but most often, deep inside. I think the hardest one for me was when someone would say, "I just don't see how someone could do such a thing. I could never do it." I can remember that it felt as if every single part of my brokenness and every hurt would come rushing forth all at the same time and they would all crash together. I would want to scream out, "you just don't know," but I couldn't ever form a coherent response because the memories and the pain and the denial and the shame and the fear were all rolled together and so either I said nothing or I softly uttered that it's wrong to make judgement on others unless you have walked in their shoes, trying to sound wise and virtuous so that I didn't bring any suspicion on myself. Aloneness.
My healing journey has been much like peeling back layers of an onion. The unwrapping of a deep hurt covered over by many wounds, some self-inflicted and some unknowingly caused by others. I believe that it began with my search for God. I wanted to know who He was. I wanted to have the faith that I saw in others. I wanted wholeness and joy. Little did I know, at that time, that my searching was initiated by an inclination in my heart put there by my Creator. What an incredible Grace He has given to each of us, these longing hearts of ours. Even as I sought Him out, though, there was a block. Deep within me there was a belief that a Holy and perfect God could never love me. I was as fearful of rejection by His people as I was by Him. I never shared my secret with the Christians I knew but felt condemned by them even still. Aloneness again.
And, then, I met Jesus. Who was this sinless man? The Son of God? Was I to believe that God would sacrifice His only son for the sins of the whole world? For my horrible sin? Why? Why would someone do that? I could not grasp (and still don't quite) that kind of love. I had never experienced it before and certainly didn't believe I was worthy to receive it. And yet, there He was. Loving even me. Loving me in spite of my unbelief and awful choices. Loving me enough to die for me. Redeeming the precious life I had been tossing around like garbage. Forgiving me for what I considered to be an unforgivable act. Exchanging my hard heart of stone for a heart of flesh. Applying a soothing balm to so many raw and painful places that I thought would never heal. Holding me and assuring me that I was no longer alone.
There would be many more layers to peel back over many years to bring me to where I am today. I am only able to share my story and offer encouragement to you because of the love Jesus has given me. Twenty three years ago, there wasn't anyone in my life to tell me about Jesus' love for me. I had no idea who he really was and that he could forgive me or that he would even give me a second glance. But there he was.
I can imagine him coming to you, gently taking your face in his hands, raising your beautiful face up towards his tear-stained face, looking you in the eyes and saying, "I love you." I can see him wiping away your tears and holding you in his arms as he tells you the story of your life. He would tell you how he knew you before you were conceived, how he formed you so carefully and purposefully in your mother's womb, how he knows every hair on your head and the number of your days, how he loves you with this extravagant love that you can't comprehend, how he died so that you would have abundant life here on earth and eternity with him. He would say to you, "Beloved, give me all of your pain and sorrow. Let me heal your wounds and scars. I long for you to live unburdened by your past. You are more than your mistakes. You are mine, you are forgiven and I love you more than life itself."
Dear sister or brother, he is everything. Trust him with your heart. I long for you to know true joy and peace. You were created for a purpose and are such an amazing gift.
Love,
Robin
I can imagine him coming to you, gently taking your face in his hands, raising your beautiful face up towards his tear-stained face, looking you in the eyes and saying, "I love you." I can see him wiping away your tears and holding you in his arms as he tells you the story of your life. He would tell you how he knew you before you were conceived, how he formed you so carefully and purposefully in your mother's womb, how he knows every hair on your head and the number of your days, how he loves you with this extravagant love that you can't comprehend, how he died so that you would have abundant life here on earth and eternity with him. He would say to you, "Beloved, give me all of your pain and sorrow. Let me heal your wounds and scars. I long for you to live unburdened by your past. You are more than your mistakes. You are mine, you are forgiven and I love you more than life itself."
Dear sister or brother, he is everything. Trust him with your heart. I long for you to know true joy and peace. You were created for a purpose and are such an amazing gift.
Love,
Robin
