Do You Know Who You Are?

If I were to ask you, "Who are you?" how would you answer?


Would you define yourself by who you are to others?

I am Susie's mom/ John's wife/ Stacy's daughter.

Would you explain yourself by what you do?

I am a student/ a secretary/ a doctor.

I am a cheerleader/ a swimmer/ a basketball player.

I am a mom.

I am a good cook.

Would you characterize yourself by your strengths?

I am strong/ intelligent/ funny.

I am loving and compassionate.

Or by your weaknesses?

I am lazy/ fat/ forgetful.

I am always wrong.

I run away/ am afraid and unsure.

Would you give your answer based on how you feel?

I am alone/ lonely/ happy/ broken/ lost.

Maybe you would define yourself by the wrongs in your life?

I use drugs. I drink too much.

I had an abortion. I am a teen mom.

I am failing my classes.

We define ourselves in so many ways. This life has a way of molding and shaping who we believe ourselves to be. Our experiences, our choices, our victories, our failures all feed into this description that is formed in our minds. 

We are bombarded with images of what the world says we should strive  to be - 

skinnier, smarter, more physically fit with gorgeous hair, perfect make-up and 

someone who adores us holding our hand. 

We must be more or lag behind, have more or be left out. Appearances are everything. Just scroll through Instagram or Facebook -

the perfect pose at just the right angle, a killer filter, a picture of every fun moment. 

And what do we do with these images? We compare ourselves to them. And we, many times, feel we will never be enough.

Enough to be loved, to be wanted, to be valued.

But that's a HUGE lie!

You are enough. You are Loved. You are wanted and highly valued!

The Truth is that you were created with love for a purpose and are being pursued by the One who created you and loves you enough to die for you. 

Yes, you!

No matter where you have been, what you have done, who you think you are or want to be. 

YOU! Just as you are!

You don't need power, money, status, perfect hair, the best tan. Your value isn't in who you know or who loves you or doesn't. What you do or don't do doesn't define you.

GOD defines you! 

He is full of Truth. He never lies, He never changes, He will never leave you.

He is all you need and you are all He wants. 

YOU! 

Just as you are, right now, whatever that looks like.

Please, dear one, please hear these words and believe them. I know where you are. I know where you have been. It's overwhelming, confusing, painful. Trying to sort out who you are, really, while being constantly being bombarded by thoughts of who you should be or could have been or want to be. It's sometimes so crazy you just want to curl up in a ball and melt away. I know. I have been there and some days, when the lies in my head get louder than the Truths I hold in my heart, I get all twisted up, and...

I lash out. I give up. I give in. I seek out some way to fill the empty spaces.

In the past, that was men, drinking, parties. 
Now it might look like shopping, eating, withdrawing.

NONE of that can fill the empty place in your heart that was designed for God only. 

There is an enemy who seeks to destroy you, 

your peace, your joy. 

He is the Father of Lies. 

Don't fall prey to him.

Soak in the Truth about who you are and what you were created to be! 

Then, when your soul feels empty and raw, 

feed it with what you know in your mind and 

what you have stored up in your heart.

The best and most complete explanation of who you are I have ever seen is in this amazing Father's Love Letter.

Seek Him and you will find Him and where you find Him 

you will find the Truth about yourself.

Love,

Emily's mom

25 Years

Tomorrow, March 10th, marks 25 years since I ended my child's life through abortion. Some 1,300 Saturdays ago I walked up a sidewalk past a group of people praying and pleading me not to go through with my plan. They held graphic signs which I could not see from across the street and shouted things to me that I could not hear because of the headphones I was given by the security guard. I'm not sure what, if anything, could have been done at that point to change my mind anyways.

My brother celebrated his birthday yesterday and it was different for me this year. For the first time in two and a half decades, I thought of his birthday first and then my abortion. The sense of dread that has always accompanied the anniversary of Emily's death was not with me this year. In the days leading up to his birthday, I didn't count up the years to figure out how old she would be this year. I didn't feel the searing shame and regret I have in years past. As I type this, my mind does wander off and become sad with feelings of loss and thoughts of 'what if?' She would be turning 25 this October.

So what of the shame and guilt? You might wonder where it has gone. How in the world can a mother move on from taking the life of her child?

I have to tell you, it has been a long and arduous journey. A journey that led me through denial, anger, extreme sorrow, intense shame and gut-wrenching guilt and embarrassment. But God! The day, almost 12 years ago, that I stood before him, dripping wet in the shower, pleading with Him to forgive me was the day that an ever so small ray of light shined into the dark place in my heart where I had hidden my shameful past. To this day I wonder, if that moment had been recorded, would I be able to hear God's voice played back? He said to my heart and mind so clearly, "What in the world are you talking about?" It was in that moment that His grace and mercy hit me like a Mack truck. I actually laughed, out loud, as I realized that not only had He forgiven me but He had kept no record of my horrible choice. It was the first day of a new healing journey that leads me to this day.

Another nine years of learning and sharing and growing in my faith would pass before I was introduced, by a friend of mine, to a group study called Surrendering the Secret. What incredible healing happened through Pat Layton as she and her friends ministered to my heart. I finally understood the significance of the Cross and was able to process fully through so many emotions and years of mess built up in my heart. It was incredibly freeing to be able to go back in my story with the hope that it would move me forward, to recognize that my secrets were actually a prison I was held captive in, to come to a full understanding of the enemy's destructive intent for my life, to work through my anger both with myself and others, to be able to forgive everyone involved in my abortion and to understand that Jesus forgave me, to exchange my pain and grief for His love and finally, to be able to say goodbye, for the first time, to my beloved child. Oh, the sweet release. A precious time of closure.

I now know she is in the arms of her loving Heavenly Father and I will see her again one day and there is tremendous, life-changing peace in that. My shame and guilt are nailed to the Cross for all eternity and I have exchanged them for a longing in my heart to share my story with others in hopes that lives will be saved, hearts will be healed and understanding will come to all those touched by abortion. One in three women in this country have had at least one abortion and forever linked to those women are the fathers of their babies. My story is their story and theirs is mine. We all are loved by God and His grace is big enough for all of us.

I pray that you, dear one, would find healing, freedom and newness of life in Him as He redeems your past and shows you the wonderful plans He has for you. You are wonderfully made, highly treasured and loved beyond your wildest imagination!

Love,

Emily's Mom