A letter to Emily

My Dearest Emily,

My sweet baby girl.  How? How do I express to you the sorrow I feel for ending your life?  I don't have words, only the groaning of my heart.

Oh, how I long to take it back.  How I ache to have made a different choice.  I think of you often and wonder what kind of person you would be.  Would you be full of joy and have a heart that chases after God?  Would your smile draw people to you and to Him?  Would you be excited for the future He had planned for you?  You would be 23 this year had you lived.  I imagine you would be finishing up college and looking forward to what's next - a career, a family, maybe a ministry.

I don't dwell on the 'what ifs' very often because it hurts too deeply.  Sometimes I feel as if I should dwell and suffer long and hard.  It's the least I deserve.  Many years ago I begged and pleaded for God's forgiveness and He, being a God of extravagant Love, incredible Mercy and amazing Grace, did forgive me and He released me from the guilt and the shame of your abortion.  When my mind begins to wander and my spirit begins to sag when the anniversary of your death rolls around, He reminds me that all is forgiven.  I can only hope that you also forgive me for what I did.

I have no excuse for my decisions but I do have reasons.  They don't make sense now but they made sense to me then.  If only I knew then what I now know.  I didn't know so many things.  I lived, at the time, out of my fear and selfishness.  I did not know God.  I was barely making it on my own working two jobs.  I didn't have much support, if any, and I was afraid of having to raise you on my own.  I was afraid to give up the life I was living, which was ridiculous because it was no life at all.  All of these reasons seem so silly now that I know God and how He operates.  I know, now, that He would have taken care of us.  Oh, how I wish I had run to Him all of those times He called me.  If only I had known.

I write this letter to you to try to express to you how deeply sorry I am for my actions.  I want you to know how I love you and long for you.  I know that you are with Jesus and safe from all harm and I am so very thankful for that.  I know that I will see you one day and I trust that, by God's immense Grace, I will be able to hold you.

I can never take back or fix what has been done.  I know that I can't live in the past, but I pray that by sharing our story, I can help others who have been wounded by the horrors of abortion and maybe help to prevent some from making the mistakes I have made.  I pray that God will use for good what the enemy meant for destruction.  I pray that He would use me to help save lives and lead those with broken hearts towards Him so that He can heal them.

I love you.

Mom