What God has done...

My Dearest Emily,

I know that I don't have to tell you this because you are with Him, but for the benefit of those who might be reading these letters, I have to share the amazing things God has done for this once lost soul.

Every person deals with life's trials differently.  Some talk it out with God or people.  Some scream and pound their fists to empty themselves of the hurt.  Some mask the pain with drugs or alcohol, work or other activity.  Some apply the old adage 'suck it up' and just move on.  Some stuff it deep down in their souls and only deal with what happens to occasionally bubble up.  I think I have done every one of these things in my journey.

There have been so many stages of healing for me.  From denial to shame to guilt to realizing responsibility to acceptance of God's forgiveness to now sharing.  And God has been with me every single step of the way.  Sometimes I knew He was there and sometimes I didn't feel Him and sometimes I flat out denied Him.  But He was there.  He never moved.  He was always waiting for me to fall into His arms and cry so that He could comfort me.

For so long, I didn't consider that I needed forgiveness because I didn't recognize who He was.  In fact, it was stuffed so deep that I chose not to think of you if I didn't have to.  When I did begin to learn about who He was and started to seek Him out, I felt shame before Him.  I could not imagine that He could ever forgive what I had done.  See, I didn't know Him fully.  At the time, to me, He was this huge mighty God of the universe who hovered above us and cast down judgement on people who did horrible things.  Oh, how wrong I was.

As I learned from the people around me more about God, I learned about Jesus and the sacrifice he had made.  It made no sense to me.  Why in the world would the Creator die for me?  Why would someone without sin be willing to die for the horrible things I had done?  What kind of love must it take to sacrifice your only son for people who made such poor choices?  I couldn't conceive of that kind of love.  I still, to this day, marvel at it and don't think I fully grasp the enormity of a love like that.

But, in this journey He has shown me how much He loves me.  He has taken a broken, messed up, confused, mislead, girl and He has shown me extravagant Love.  Grace is getting something you don't deserve.  Mercy is not getting what you do deserve.  Not only had He protected me through all of the years I denied Him and went my own way but then, when I was ready, he lavished all three - Love, Grace and Mercy - on me and He changed me forever.

He has put people in my path who love me no matter what.  My parents, my husband, my children, my friends.  People who know what I did to you and still love me.  That's God's love demonstrated through them.  There have been others I don't even know who have shared their stories and I have learned from them.

He has shown me Truth through His Word that helps me to know Him better and understand more fully just how deep and how wide His love is for me.  He has grown me through His nudging to step out of my comfort zones and most definitely through a recent study that I am going through with a friend.  There has been so much healing in the past few months.  I know that there will always be raw spots in my journey, new realizations of hidden feelings, and new opportunities to reach out to others who are hurting.  But it's all for His Glory.

His latest gift to me was to give me your name.  Emily.  I never thought of your name before.  The book I am working through right now, Surrendering the Secret, suggested praying for God to give you a name.  The name came clearly and immediately.  God is so patient with me because I asked several times after He gave it to me and the impression in my heart never wavered.  Emily it is.  And what a beautiful name! It is so comforting to me.  It's as if your very name soothes my soul.  What a precious gift.

I cannot express to you how I treasure this time of writing to you.  It's like a healing balm.  I know God knows my heart and feels my gratitude, but could you give Him a big hug for me?

All that I am today is because of who He is.  I am eternally grateful.

I love you.

Mom