My brother celebrated his birthday yesterday and it was different for me this year. For the first time in two and a half decades, I thought of his birthday first and then my abortion. The sense of dread that has always accompanied the anniversary of Emily's death was not with me this year. In the days leading up to his birthday, I didn't count up the years to figure out how old she would be this year. I didn't feel the searing shame and regret I have in years past. As I type this, my mind does wander off and become sad with feelings of loss and thoughts of 'what if?' She would be turning 25 this October.
So what of the shame and guilt? You might wonder where it has gone. How in the world can a mother move on from taking the life of her child?
I have to tell you, it has been a long and arduous journey. A journey that led me through denial, anger, extreme sorrow, intense shame and gut-wrenching guilt and embarrassment. But God! The day, almost 12 years ago, that I stood before him, dripping wet in the shower, pleading with Him to forgive me was the day that an ever so small ray of light shined into the dark place in my heart where I had hidden my shameful past. To this day I wonder, if that moment had been recorded, would I be able to hear God's voice played back? He said to my heart and mind so clearly, "What in the world are you talking about?" It was in that moment that His grace and mercy hit me like a Mack truck. I actually laughed, out loud, as I realized that not only had He forgiven me but He had kept no record of my horrible choice. It was the first day of a new healing journey that leads me to this day.
Another nine years of learning and sharing and growing in my faith would pass before I was introduced, by a friend of mine, to a group study called Surrendering the Secret. What incredible healing happened through Pat Layton as she and her friends ministered to my heart. I finally understood the significance of the Cross and was able to process fully through so many emotions and years of mess built up in my heart. It was incredibly freeing to be able to go back in my story with the hope that it would move me forward, to recognize that my secrets were actually a prison I was held captive in, to come to a full understanding of the enemy's destructive intent for my life, to work through my anger both with myself and others, to be able to forgive everyone involved in my abortion and to understand that Jesus forgave me, to exchange my pain and grief for His love and finally, to be able to say goodbye, for the first time, to my beloved child. Oh, the sweet release. A precious time of closure.
I now know she is in the arms of her loving Heavenly Father and I will see her again one day and there is tremendous, life-changing peace in that. My shame and guilt are nailed to the Cross for all eternity and I have exchanged them for a longing in my heart to share my story with others in hopes that lives will be saved, hearts will be healed and understanding will come to all those touched by abortion. One in three women in this country have had at least one abortion and forever linked to those women are the fathers of their babies. My story is their story and theirs is mine. We all are loved by God and His grace is big enough for all of us.
I pray that you, dear one, would find healing, freedom and newness of life in Him as He redeems your past and shows you the wonderful plans He has for you. You are wonderfully made, highly treasured and loved beyond your wildest imagination!
Love,
Emily's Mom
God Bless you Robin!
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